Giving and receiving feedback can be a gift, as it can help you build or strengthen a relationship, if done right, or it can damage a relation, or be career hindering and de-motivating.

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Concerns with giving & receiving feedback:

When receiving feedback our potential concerns are that we fear criticism or our reaction to feedback and that we are nervous about having to hear something that might make us feel uncomfortable. When giving feedback we could fear that we hurt the other person’s feelings or that the other person might get defensive… and just like when receiving feedback, we could be nervous about giving it.

Managing emotions when giving & receiving feedback:

It’s important that we manage our emotions and with that our concerns the best we can. When receiving feedback we need to take a deep breath and try to stay calm. We should try to identify if the other person means well and wants to help us to improve, or just wants to vent and make us feel bad. One way or the other we need to separate the message from the person providing us feedback. You could be given the best feedback, but if you don’t like the person giving it to you, and don’t believe that person walks the talk and has any integrity, it will be difficult for you to believe that this feedback is given to you with good intent and that it will help you. When giving feedback on the other hand you need to focus on the behaviour and performance of the other person, not so much on the personality. Try to demonstrate empathy (not sympathy) by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.

Effective communication for giving & receiving feedback

While the message that we are trying to communicate is not always the same message that the other person is hearing, effective communication skills are important when giving and receiving feedback. When receiving feedback it helps to ask questions to clarify and take notes to maintain focus and to try to understand the other person’s point of view.  As defensiveness is the root cause of all evil try not to make excuses and rather focus and listen… just listen. When giving feedback try to avoid distractions, select a private location and maintain focus on the person you are giving feedback to. Try to ask open-ended questions and redirect the conversation if the other person is trying to defuse the issue and put up a smoke screen.

Question: What is your experience with giving and receiving feedback? Are you comfortable giving and receiving feedback?